ObiAudio

I have to be honest about something that irks the shit out of me and it’s Hip Hop producers who dance around or bullshit their fucking fans questions about what it really takes to be a Record Producer.

I’m probably gonna get a lot of annoying emails by those of my peers and a superproducer client or two who are either threatened by the information I’m about to share with you or actually receive some support, but if you’re serious about being a Real Record Producer it’s going to take more than your hot beats and studio skills because the music industry is not about music, it’s about business! That soundclick bullshit is not only as corny as Monsanto’s seed crops, but if you’re really serious about being a Real Record Producer, you’re fucking yourself in the ass just by being a member of that bullshit beat leasing site.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so and so is on that site and blah, blah, blah is selling lots of beats. Guess what fucktard? Those guys are not going to be around for too long because not only are hoeing themselves for chump change, but they are also devaluing their musical catalog in the process like the myopic dipshits they are.

This business is beyond music, that’s just the surface, because it all comes down to the money and if you don’t know how to arm yourself with the right team members, you might as well buy a giant vat of lard and grease your rectum for the Grand Daddy of all sorts of fucking!

First of all you’re going to need a Production Manager:

This is the person who specializes in handling producers and only producers! Do not and I repeat do not hire a manager who handles both producers and artists! Why? Because these types of managers will end up bending you over on all fours in their aim to please their artists first and then their top level producer clients thereafter. Remember you don’t work for the manager they work for you, you are their boss, not the other way around.

Managers who only handle Producers tend to be more disciplined and focused and they will keep you working as much as you’re willing to keep working and your music stays fresh. Most good Production Managers meets with the A&R assholes from the major labels each week so you don’t really have to talk to them and they will not only fight your battles for you, but they will secure production jobs or remix gigs for you based on your material. But this all depends on you and your frequency to get these records done within the deadline given to you.

When you produce a record, you manage the recording budget of the songs you produce. If you can’t go into the studio with the artist and manage that budget, you will be reduced to a typical beatmaker and also be disrespected as such by the labels. Don’t be a fucking beatmaker! Produce your fucking records! Get into the studio and guide those artists with solid direction, work side by side with the mixing engineer especially if you have no mixing skills and make sure you sit in on that mastering session or you will regret it later when no one in the business wants to option your beats during whatever down period comes your way. And trust me there will be a down period; it happens to everyone.

You also need a Traffic Manager: Do not treat your Traffic Manager with the disprectful distinction as your personal assistant because they are far more important to you than that. Your Traffic Manager not only works side by side with your Production Manager but they are your point man/woman who makes sure you meet your deadlines. Traffic managers schedule your studio dates, your artist/engineer/musician meetings and most important they remind you what you will forget because you’re doing so much shit, trust me on this; you will fucking forget something, it always happens. Without a Traffic Manager on your team, you will fucking fail! Do you fucking hear me? You will fucking fail without one! This is no fucking joke!

Make sure you have a Publicist: What a lot of producers especially narrow minded young ass beatmakers fail to realize is A&R people do a lot of drugs and because these tone deaf fucks are mostly high most of the time, they will forget who the fuck you are if you’re not charting this very week even though your Production Manager meets with them weekly. But strangely enough these fucktards do read and without your Publicist there to keep your name in the blogs, message boards, magazines and industry trade papers, you will become a faded memory lost in the oblivion of…Soundclick where all the other mixtape production nobodies reside. Having your beats on a mixtape is bullshit and it has no value in the long run, that’s why I don’t do them. Want to show real production skills do remix contests. You don’t have to win just make your shit sound fucking dope and you’ll get noticed quickly.

Every good Publicist has an in-house or a partnership with a Branding and Marketing Specialist: These motherfuckers not only control the music that makes the albums released by the major record companies, but what records get played on the radio and what videos get seen on MTV Networks so it only makes sense for you to align yourself with these unseen hands behind the music that gets promoted and marketed the most to the general public today. You think I’m fucking around? Pay very close attention to these two scenes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7aYIvgQ5_o

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhZAZyabehg

Now if you didn’t get those two scenes from this 2001 motion picture, you’re not only dumb as shit, but you really have no fucking business wanting to be a Real Record Producer in this day and age, because truth be told, this is what your job as a Record Producer will entail. Think about it kids, you’re producing 3-4 minute advertising spots. Think long and hard about it, because your Branding and Marketing Specialist will not only pair you up with the products you use in your daily life, but they will also help you facilitate placements for your music with products such as video games, skateboards, touchscreen smartphones, cars, softdrinks and fried chicken. Mmmm, Mmmmm, Mmmm!

Guess what kids? The days of being a studio bound Record Producer is dying. You better be able to perform the music you produce in the studio on stage kiddo and for that you’re gonna need a Booking Agent:

Yes, you’re gonna have to perform your music on stage in front of a fucking audience, be it as a DJ, a musician or on the spot beatmaker and you better be good at it too because your audience will not only stop going to your shows, but they stop buying your records too and word will get out!

You think it’s an accident that Dr, Dre, Timbaland, The Neptunes and Swizz Beats do tours? Pete Rock, DJ Premiere, Kev Brown and 9th Wonder do tours too, you lazy snarky backpacking fucks! So get off your asses and learn how to perform your own shit because you’re not going to be able to live off of royalties alone anymore at the rate the industry is going now and no booking agent wants to book a wack motherfucker who can’t even perform their own music.

Now here’s the interesting part that most Record producers don’t take the time out to break down to your eager to learn the business ass; The 3 Lawyers: That’s right motherfucker, you’re gonna need 3 legal eagles on retainer to make sure your contracts are in order, to sue that major label or biting ass producer or an artist you worked with in the past when one of these situations fucks you over on your business and I hate to be the one to tell you this; but somebody will in this business will always fuck you especially with major labels bouncing checks these days and that’s no joke either. And then there’s that tax attorney who works close  with the most important components to your team you better have on hand.

If you don’t have a Quickbooks Pro Advisor and a Certified Public Account: in your corner, not only should you just become the neighborhood slut, you might as well just do what you’re doing now and work for absolutely free, because our government is broke motherfucker and these heartless fucking scumbags at the Treasury Department’s IRS are going after everyone in sports and entertainment to scrounge for their pennies because our government somehow owe money to the banks we bailed out when Obama became President and if your books are fucked up, you will end up like the artists, producers and athletes who are now serving jail time for tax evasion, misfiled taxes and non-filing of taxes. Not only will the federal government fuck you up the ass, but your state and city governments will come after you too and compounded jail time for tax issues is no fun, especially when you’re in jail with murders and anal rapists who are looking at you like a tasty rack of lamb.

So now you know the real hardcore truth and if you have the mental capacity and stamina to deal with all of this on a daily basis then you might get lucky and become one of the few superproducers in the game. Good luck kids, you’re gonna need it especially since every dipshit with a laptop or iPad is suddenly a producer now.